Guarding against victim mentality

By Brenda Cannon Henley
Admitting to being in somewhat of a reflective mood for the past few weeks, I have been noticing the behavior of those around me and with those I come into contact with due to family or work related matters. One individual that normally does not require any of my time or thought has come into play and I have noted, both from witnessing the behavior and of hearing about his antics through others, that he has been reared with all of the right conditions to develop a serious case of victim mentality.

“There are two different kinds of people in the world. There are people who instinctively look for every chance to be a “victim” and those who look for every chance to rise above and be a “victor”—regardless of where they are in life and what’s happening around them.” – Christopher Hawke

He honestly thinks that he is a victim of everyone in his life, of those he meets for the first time, of employers, authority, the government, and especially those in his family that he feels should meet all of his needs. He really does not wish to work at all. He would much rather live off of someone else’s hard work.

In looking backward into his life, I can see that one parent has babied him all of his life, jumped to meet his every whim, and helped to heap blame upon anyone that dared to punish, correct, or instruct him. This person has serious issues with all authority and has accumulated several court cases and indictments against him and has dishonored the family name. His record not only follows him – It precedes him. It is a sad sight to witness and I cannot imagine living this way. We are taught in Scripture that “…as a man thinks in his heart, so is he…” (Proverbs 23:7) If we think we are victims, we probably will live under this horrible shadow that haunts and hurts us.

According to writer Steve Maraboli in Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience, “Victim mentality is an acquired or learned personality trait in which a person tends to regard him or herself as a victim of the negative actions of others, and to think, speak, and act as if that were the case — even in the absence of clear evidence. It depends on habitual thought process and attribution.”

BCH_2014-0923Victim mentality is primarily learned, for example, from family members and situations during childhood, according to the experts. In speaking with someone that has known this family much longer than I, it caught my attention when he said, “Oh, that is the thinking pattern of the entire family, going back to the grandparents. They were good enough people, but always thought that everything and everyone was out to get them and that they had to constantly be on guard to keep from being taken.” And, the person speaking gave several examples. What an awful heritage to place upon young people. Parents, this example puts a great amount of responsibility on us to see that we do a good job of helping to build self esteem and a good foundation for growth for our children as part of their heritage. Who in the world would want to live this way? And, greater than that, who would desire for the children to live in this manner?

In the most general sense, a victim is anyone who experiences injury, loss, or misfortune as a result of some event or series of events. This experience, however, is insufficient for the emergence of a sense of victimhood. It has been suggested that individuals define themselves as a victim if they believe that:

  • They were harmed;
  • They were not responsible for the occurrence of the harmful act;
  • They were under no obligation to prevent the harm;
  • The harm constituted an injustice in that it violated their rights (if inflicted by a person) and/or in that they possessed qualities (e.g., strength or goodness of character) making them persons whom that harm did not befit
  • They deserve sympathy.

A person harboring a victim mentality will dislike or even hate others who work hard, accumulate some of life’s goods and pleasures, and who is well liked by others. Jealousy seems to drive and fuel their absurd fears and imagination.

Another person that has known this family much, much longer than I have, added to the thoughts, “The reason he has such a difficult time with family members, and especially, his good father, is that he has no relationship with his heavenly father.” The man has no spiritual compass by which to be guided in life.

Do you know someone living with a victim mentality? We will look at other signs, the great dangers, and what we can do to offer hope and help in the future.

(published 9/23/2014)

Brenda Cannon Henley can be reached at (409) 781-8788 or at
[email protected].

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