By Brenda Cannon Henley
Parents should strive to love each of their children equally, but we all know that is not always the case. Going all the way back to Bible days, we have illustrations of one or both parents loving one son or daughter above the other, showing favoritism, and giving blessing or goods to the preferred child. The children that know they are ‘less loved’ end up suffering, harboring feelings of inadequacy, and growing up bearing this struggle. It often affects them as adults and causes family members to be distant with each other and often alienated for the balance of their lives. How sad is this?

If you asked a group of parents if they loved each child equally, most would quickly say yes, but then perhaps go on to give glowing attributes to one while discussing the less desirable traits and issues of another of their offspring. The bond formed with one child, for whatever reason, is stronger, and therefore, he or she gets preferred treatment, less chores, more praise, and certainly more forgiveness for bad behavior or hurtful actions. All of the children in the home begin to feel that their parents’ behavior is unfair and unpredictable, creating resentment and uncertainty, and affecting sibling relationships for life.

Karl Andrew Pillemer, a Cornell University professor, did extensive research on family relationships. He reported that one survey found that parental favoritism is almost the norm. He further reported that around 70% of moms surveyed named a child to whom they felt closest and only 15% of children thought their mothers were equally close to all children.

“But favoritism is just wrong and can have lasting impact on both the “golden” child and the “less-favored” sibling. I have seen several parents in my own family and friends circle where favoritism is obvious and the parents refuse to acknowledge it. The pressures on both siblings to continuously meet expectations breed resentment and ill will between siblings, and between children and parents. It doesn’t matter whom the chosen child or children are, the perception of unequal treatment has damaging effects for all siblings in their relationships and personalities later in life. The favorite children grow up feeling falsely superior and entitled, whereas the underdog is left to deal with the psychological effects of unfair treatment forever,” wrote Pillemer.

I have witnessed the effects of a favorite child syndrome recently between an older man and his two sons. Both of the younger men are attractive to the eye, have professional careers, made well, and seem engaging enough on the surface, but when you watch the layers of the relationships unpeel over time, you will soon note that the father simply prefers the one son over the other, and the saddest thing of all, it is a known fact. This behavior has been going on for years. The younger son is somewhat of a bully, goes behind the scenes to build his case with his father and others, demands his own way about social engagements, meals, trips, and the like. He is very controlling of everyone in his circle, insists that he is right when he has little knowledge of the subject, and boldly gives orders that he expects to be followed. The older son seems somewhat resigned to his fate and stays to himself for much of the time.

I happened to make a simple statement in a mixed group of people and he jumped right on me saying that I was not right. What he did not know, nor did he care, was that I had just written a detailed article on the subject and had researched it from many angles. I was correct, but he would not accept that because it was the pattern in the home for him to be the spokesperson and voice of destiny. Because I am older now, I let him know that he was incorrect and that he had not changed my opinion one iota. I also took the opportunity to sit down quietly with the father and point out what I witnessed. He, of course, did not see what I saw, and gave reasons as to why he was closer to the one son.

In the best of all possible worlds, parents would love all their children the same and the children would all get along with each other. We do not live in that world, but I do urge parents to sit down, think about the matter, and determine if we do show favoritism to one child or the other. Perhaps that child is more physically attractive, loves the parent more openly, gives better gifts, or a hundred other personal reasons. Let’s think about areas in which we can improve on these relationships and strive to show our love and affection more evenly to each member of our family. Each of our children is a heritage from the Lord and worthy of our love.

(This article published 5/18/2015)

Brenda Cannon Henley can be reached at (409) 781-8788, at
[email protected], or by using the contact form below.

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