By Brenda Cannon Henley
I have believed for years that when we stop learning, we stop living in the truest sense of the word. I honestly try to learn something new, if not every day, at least several times a week. Some of the new things I have learned, I really did not have a desire to add them to my store of knowledge, but apparently God thought I should know them. One thing I have tried to learn to do is to keep my mouth shut when whatever I said would perhaps not be helpful, uplifting, teaching, or kind. Some times it works, some times, it doesn’t. I want to be kind to those around me and to the new people that cross my path. Life is tough and most folks are fighting a battle of some sort and can use encouraging rather than discouraging or disparaging words.

I am truly thankful to God this particular year that among the new things I am learning is how to grieve in healthy and growing ways. The main thing that I have discovered is that there are no preset rules or regulations and that every person that is truly hurting does it their own way, in their own time, and with their own discoveries. What works for you may not work for me. The time frame you set for grief might not suit the time frame I meet. And, most of all, I have learned that I will never ever say again, “Oh, Honey, I know exactly how you feel.” You don’t. You did not know my Ted like I did and you did not enjoy the blessed moments we had on earth together. You did not laugh at his jokes, take part in his adventurers, travel the country, fish to your heart’s delight, or teach others the way we did, so please don’t assume you know what I know or feel what I feel.

No doubt you have your own memories, your own joys, and your own sorrows, but don’t assure me you know mine. You simply don’t.

I am grateful during this happy season that I have dear friends of a lifetime, and some I have recently met, that have helped to make my days and nights more bearable by including me in their plans, calling to check on me, inviting me out to join them in fun things, and in general, caring for me while I have not been well enough to care about my own being.

I am also grateful that many have shared good lessons on grieving with me in the way of books, messages, tapes, programs, and lectures. I have not learned it all, but I have made a head start, and I will continue, mainly because Ted, as a lifelong educator, would want me to do so. We enjoyed learning together and I will continue. My lifelong friend, Millie Pincus, gave me several things belonging to her dear mother, Polly Jones Hamby. One was a book by James Van Praagh, an author with which I was not familiar. The book is Healing Grief, Reclaiming Life After Any Loss. I treasure it because of content, but also because Polly owned and read it.

In the helpful book, I read, “Allow yourself to go through the complete grieving process.” Do what you need to do to get to the end of your process and remember, do it in your own time frame, not that of someone else. Van Praagh also taught that we must communicate our feelings to trusted friends or family members. If you are mad, say so, and say why, if you can. “Take one day at a time,” wrote the popular author. I am learning that I do not have to do everything today. I have not cleaned out Ted’s closet or dresser drawers, or his tools, or his truck. I just can’t. Everyone has assured me that I will know when it is time. I think that if I am honest I would have to tell you that somewhere I have been thinking that if I don’t clean his things out and give them away, he will come home again. My heart thinks this, while my mind knows it is not true.

I am also learning to be patient and gentle with myself. I have always been a stickler for accomplishing work or play, but these days, I am more lenient with others and myself. I have found that some days I can get things done, but other days, I cannot motivate myself to do anything constructive. I simply want to sit and be sad and think, and yes, cry, as often as it happens.

For three long months now, I have made it without Ted. I am grateful that God has not forsaken me and that I am learning to go on in life. If you wonder if these columns are necessary or important, I need to state that I have received more telephone calls, emails, and handwritten notes about the grief columns than any I have written in years. Many are grieving and to those good people especially, I say, Happy Thanksgiving and may God bless you with continued healing.

Brenda Cannon Henley can be reached at (409) 781-8788, at
[email protected], or by using the contact form below.

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