Blinded by our needs

Brenda Cannon HenleyBy Brenda Cannon Henley
In a recent column, I wrote about being blinded by our own needs to the point of being unable to lend effective and encouraging support to others. I used the illustration of my kind friend, GinGee Stewart of High Island, who used her good instincts to reach out and help me during my husband’s illness and death. GinGee was dealing with her own woes and cares at the time with a very ill husband. There is another area of dealing with our own hurts and needs that can be smothering, unhealthy, and harmful to those around us. It is not our job to be critical of others just because they are not like us. We shouldn’t be jealous when a member of our group, class, or family reaches out to help another individual or family. But, boundaries and good taste must be recognized.

From time to time in areas of service, visitation, caring for people who are ill or who have had recent surgery, we see a person that likely means well, but goes way overboard. Their own needs, insecurities, and phobias cause them to become overly attached, demanding, and hurtful. They come to believe that they, and they alone, can take care of every need the patient has and they set out on a clear cut course to see that every other volunteer is sent packing.

You may ask, “Does this really happen?” “Have you seen this?” My short answer would be, “Why, yes I have.” Several examples come to mind, but for simplicity’s sake, I will only share one.

A very popular male patient had several hospital stays in a short amount of time. He was transported by ambulance to three different hospitals and underwent several serious procedures and surgeries. Those who know him best realize that by nature he is a loner, accustomed to handling his own affairs, and quite happy with his life.

Enter a recently widowed lady that I feel had very good intentions, but had never met my friend. She had read about him and because of his work, felt she knew him. Her needs were great. She had a great deal of experience in one of the hospitals and wanted to share her knowledge. The patient needed rest, quiet, and composure in the care unit he was in at the time. He did not need to be forced to answer questions, make small talk, or get to know a new person. He was very ill.

After a very lengthy visit, while she perched on his bed, it was suggested that the patient needed rest. The visitor did not want to go. She needed to be in the room, playing an active role (in her own imagination) in his care, answering questions, and assuming responsibility. She arrived the next morning at 6:30 AM, prepared to camp in for the day, and took up her post. This was the second time she had ever seen this man. She stayed until the patient was transported by ambulance to another larger hospital.

She then mounted a series of calls, texts, and messages asking for private information. She had asked the patient for his cell phone number and he quoted an incorrect one. She then began calling others attempting to get the number. Her comments were overly familiar and not encouraged.

She wanted detailed information about where he lived and with whom. She volunteered publicly to go visit, sit with him, run errands, and drive him to appointments. He refused each offer and did not want to hurt her feelings, and he was careful not to encourage a relationship he was not seeking.

She truly wasn’t a bad person, but she had allowed her own needs of lonliness, recent widowhood, unsettled feelings, and the need to feel important to trample good common sense, hospital etiquette, and decent manners. My mother would have loudly objected when she first sat on the patient’s bed. A lecture would have ensued on germ transfer, cleanliness, and home training.

We must choose wisely, remain aware of the needs of others, and not allow our own needs to blind us to our actions. There is a real ministry in hospitals across our nation of sitting with people that have folks in surgery, offering support, running errands, helping with food, and prayer. Churches could form mission teams to take on this challenge and be the church in the community.

Brenda Cannon Henley can be reached at 409 781 8788, or
[email protected].

Facebook Twitter
You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

Leave a Reply

Site by CrystalBeachLocalNews.com