Breaking the cycle of victim mentality

Brenda Cannon HenleyBy Brenda Cannon Henley
We have been taking a look at the effects of victim mentality and I am concerned that not only do we find the person who continually sees himself as a victim, but we also have those who are connected to this person. We may have a mate, parents, children, siblings, coworkers, neighbors, and others who are forced to deal with the antics and misunderstandings caused by the insecurities and imaginations of the “poor me” and “life is all bad” attitude.

It doesn’t take long, again, according to the experts, for this attitude to permeate the home, office, club, church, or group causing everyone involved to feel the sadness, depression, and lack of motivation to do more or to reach out to others. Grating on the nerves of those involved, the victim plays his “poor me” and “I cannot succeed” attitude and is allergic to taking any responsibility for his actions. They project the feeling that everyone is always against them and that they are poor, unhappy people who must be rescued.

“If it’s never our fault, we cannot take responsibility for it. If we can’t take responsibility for it, we’ll always be its victim.” – Richard Bach

Truthfully, many of them do not want to be rescued. They love their misery and would not know how to navigate through life if they lived any other way. Soon, the listener, bless his poor heart, will become therapist, advisor, doctor, or instructor. Friends and loved ones usually want to help, but find a little of this attitude goes a long way. Then, the would-be helper must find ways of breaking free of the bondage. Their endless tales of woe become unbearable.

Look at your list of family members and friends and determine honestly if you have anyone in your life who often appears oppressed or depressed. Are you genuinely burned out by their neediness and lack of ability to prosper and grow? Have you caught yourself screening your calls or saying you are too busy to take their calls? Have you felt that their negative approach to life is compromising or belittling your own positive attitude? If so, attempt to point the negative person toward help, but do not risk your own welfare staying too close to a situation that is only going to get worse.

A person harboring the poor victim mentality must see the need to make changes in his life, and then he must take the first and perhaps most difficult step. He must make a change and live with it. BCH_2014-1007He may first have to identify how he got into the shape he is in. Why does he feel he is a victim when folks all around him are succeeding and living happy lives? Did he learn the behavior from grandparents, parents, aunts, and uncles? An immediate goal is to get the victim to evaluate his own feelings strongly enough to see the sources of his thinking, and if that can be done, that is a good first round. The victim must then set a goal and accomplish it no matter how small it may seem. Set a goal and work to meet the goal.

Reaching that first goal will include the victim being content with not being a victim. He will have to realize that he is not blaming everyone else for everything wrong in his life. This will very well be a new life experience and one that will take some getting used to at first. He will have to find other things to fill the voids in his life where blame and planning revenge, anger, and generally hatred has dwelt for such as long time. Taking responsibility for one’s own life, decisions, failures and successes is a huge second step. It is much easier to blame someone else for everything than to man up and take the responsibility required to move forward. The hurt and languishing in place will not let up until responsibility is taken.

Learning genuine gratitude for what one has is an important step in getting healthy. Victims need to learn to look around and see the good in life, focus on health, ability to earn a living, house to live in, car to drive, educational opportunities, pets, whatever serves to point to the positive. And the step that often trips up a recovering victim is that of forgiveness. Chances are there are some people and perhaps some situations in life that have not been fair or that have been hurtful. If others are involved, they must be forgiven.

True forgiveness is not about “them.” It is all about “us.” Catherine Ponder wrote, “When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” When you forgive, you do not only release that person, but you set yourself free, too, from all of that agony.

Victims turn all of the focus in life inward or toward themselves. A non-victim works toward being healthy and well and turns his focus outward toward others. Soon he should begin to see that others have needs, too. Perhaps they are not as vocal as you have been, or perhaps you’ve just not heard them before, but look around, and find someone that could honestly use your help. It may be small, and seemingly insignificant, but if you are honestly trying to give help or make improvements for someone else, you will be surprised at how quickly you learn to enjoy your own life. The way we behave toward others has a big impact on how we think about and behave toward ourselves.

If you slip back into an instance of victim mentality, it likely won’t be the end of the world. Just began anew, and while you are at it, smile. It will make you feel much better and it will confuse those that are watching you.

(published 10/7/2014)

Brenda Cannon Henley can be reached at (409) 781-8788 or at
[email protected].

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