By Brenda Cannon Henley
I’ve wanted to write this article for many years, but have not had the unction or the freedom to sit down and do so. I decided several months ago that I would tackle my inner thoughts on mothers and sons and daughters while I still could and while my health and mind were up for the challenge. Let me add here before I delve in that I know all family dynamics are not the same. I realize we have blended families, adopted children, mothers who did not know one thing about mothering, and children who don’t really care to know the real person who gave birth to them. I also know that some folks treat other children better than they ever did their own, and much pain is in this old world because of a lack of communication, respect, and love from mother to child, and vice-versa.

With all of those things taken into consideration, and with much prayerful anticipation, I have been reading many articles and at least three books dealing with the issue of motherhood. I also need to be truthful and say right away that I never understood my own mother and that our relationship is not one to be modeled after or sought for good ideas of overcoming limitations and hurts. Only when my mother was dying in the hospital in Beaumont did I begin to have some real understanding of who she was, who she thought she was, where she had been, where she wanted to go, and how she understood the world.

Our hospice team member, Corkey Holt, for who I will be eternally grateful, gave me some guidelines and I must say they helped immensely to make sense of what was happening. Mother lasted 13 days and nights after a massive stroke and coronary suffered at the same time. The medical team said almost every day that they were doubtful if she could last another day or another shift. The nurses that got to know us told us goodbye as they left at the end of their workdays thinking we would be gone when they returned. She did not have one drop of water or one bite of food during those days and nights. The doctors said that to give it to her (as we all wanted to do) would kill her because she no longer knew how to process anything and her body would not allow it.

Corkey said that often a patient up in age as mother was would go through periods of her life, often early childhood, into the teen years, early marriage, relationships, and unfinished business. Corkey said that in many cases she thought the Lord was giving them an opportunity to complete their worldly tasks. Some wait for a particular person to show up, to say a special goodbye, or for an important date to arrive. Mother died 19 minutes into her 87th birthday, and believe this or not, I had surmised for days that she would last until her birthday. She was stubborn to the end.

We as children do not see our parents, and especially our mothers as real people that have had real lives, loved real folks, and still believe themselves to be individuals with purpose, plans, and presentation. We only think of them in terms of our mother. A friend sent me a slide show presentation the other day. It consisted of elderly people (both men and women) looking into a mirror, and while the bodies that housed their being now were often old and wrinkled, the image looking back from the mirror was a beautiful young man or woman just beginning life’s journey. It dawned on me that we really do see ourselves like that. I don’t think of myself as a nearly 75-year-old grandmother. I still see a high school girl, or a young mother, starting out to conquer the world.

A friend sent me an email and asked me to read it to see what I made of it. I did, and after only two sentences, I realized that it was from her oldest daughter and she was being very mean to her mother demanding certain attentions be given to her and her two children. My friend works a full time job, cares for a large house and huge lawns, a pond, a dog, and a very ill husband. The daughter demanded that the mother drive four and one half hours one way to see her grandson compete in an event. My friend could simply not leave the husband for more than 10-12 hours on a Saturday and tried to explain that fact. The daughter tried heaping mounds of guilt on her mother and asked questions like, “How will he know you love him?” “You do other things. I see them on social media.” “All of the other grandparents will be present.” She wasn’t able to see her mother as a real person with a real life, many responsibilities, and a plate full of work and need.

I suggest that perhaps this Mother’s Day might be a really good time to either write or tell your mother that you know she is a real person and that she has wants, needs, desires, plans, and hopes, no matter her age, and that you want to be more responsible in acknowledging these throughout the year. Let’s get mom out of the box we put her in so very long ago and try to know the woman she really is. It will be a blessing to everyone and she will appreciate it.

Let me add quickly that if your own mother is deceased or out of the area, choose a mom that needs some love and attention and adopt her for the holiday. Happy Mother’s Day to all of our readers.

Brenda Cannon Henley can be reached at (409) 781-8788, or
[email protected].
[5-8-2017]