A Turtle and a Duck Walk Into a Bar

“Sorry, we don’t serve reptiles,” the bartender quacks.
By J. Lee Austin
Maybe I’m silly but at least I’m not crazy, my mother had me tested. As I write today, it is my 46th Father’s Day and while all my kids are all grown up and far away, their long distance wishes are making me so proud I wanna cry. But I won’t because I’m a big tough guy. All kidding aside, it has been said that our children are our greatest legacy. I have no doubt that that is true, especially on this very special day. Best wishes to the fathers out there … may your children all have a life of peace, love, joy and safety.

J. Lee is a contributor to Crystal Beach Local News, and is the founder of The Good Help Network, a reader-supported publication.

On a truly unrelated note, the Town Hall meeting that took place last week to brainstorm the “Go Topless” problem wasn’t very productive, according to those I asked. That being said, great thanks to everyone who put in the work to make it happen. Anything to further a constructive dialogue assures it was not in vain.

The elected officials in attendance were perceived as unhelpful … especially the sheriff, who apparently scored quite a few demerits for what was considered irrelevant grandstanding. Not sure if his status as a lame duck or his having a serious disease is excuse enough for this behavior. If so, all apologies. Either way he did not seem to endear himself to those who experienced the magic and wonder of soliloquy.

The take-away, for those attempting to make some sense of all this nonsense, could be that more government is not the answer. Surprising really, that we even have to go there, since they have proven beyond much doubt, especially in the last 4 years or so, that they are incompetent, ignorant, corrupt and/or all of the above. Don’t get me started on government or I will have to make my tongue-in-cheek essay “Anarchy Hour” required reading. Feel free to insert laughing emoji here.

Looks like this is a problem/project for We the People, like most everything else transpiring around us in light of government’s catastrophic failure to uphold its end of the deal. Secure border anyone? Endless taxpayer funding for foreign governments executing endless proxy wars? Hokey kangaroo banana trials? Bueller?

Several astute readers have touched on the environmental impact of the Go Topless Assault, which, as fate would have it, happens right smack during the great nesting migration of the beloved and endangered Sea Turtle.

Imagine a pregnant mother turtle swimming up to the beach to lay her eggs and being shocked at the horror of a cacophonous throng of loud and rowdy figures shining blinding lights in all directions, twerking their jiggling parts all over her path and urinating in great quantities on the dunes where she had planned to deposit her precious babies.

Imagine the smell of the sand, saturated with countless gallons of human urine, hidden piles of you-know-what and probably more than a few buckets of vomit. How could she, in good conscience, drop her family into the midst of such a mess of humanity’s making? I know if I were in her shoes, I would spin right around and make a full speed heading for Yucatan.

Can we all at least agree that the brainless weekend needs another purpose, something other than young folks getting smashed and doing stupid things like driving impaired and practicing their firearm skills. Go Topless/Jeep weekend needs a new mission, a new name, in my humble opinion.

How about a TurtleFest or Torguga Palooza or some other clever name … whereby local residents and sea turtle lovers the world over, gather at the beach for the event, all in the name of saving an innocent, sweet creature in considerable peril of extinction.

Could flooding the beach with sober, peaceful turtle lovers work to change it? Who knows. I certainly don’t, but I do know that when enough good people are committed to a worthy cause, they can make a huge difference through hard work, compassion and passion.

Some have made the point that the party-heads would simply change their debauchery to another weekend. That’s a fair point, and the point at which the wannabe revelers may learn how committed we are to taking back our beach, our peace, our sanity. Well, whaddya know … turns out the new date they chose happens to be our all new Grand GatorFest. Oh, you say you want to have your face-plant party in mid-July? Oh geez, that’s our Save the Smalltooth Sawfish Weekend, sorry. You get the idea and so might they.

What is our message to them? You are welcome to come enjoy our world and help preserve some of the most precious things this life has to give. You are not welcome to come here and wreck our fauna, our flora, our peace and our safety. Just remember to practice your Golden Rule and you’ll be fine.

May we all come together for a win/win solution,
~~ j ~~

“Use, do not abuse … neither abstinence or excess ever renders man happy.”
~~ Voltaire


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