The Bolivar Beach Report, sweet April Edition

And the countdown to the Crabbiest Festival in the world
By J. Lee Austin
There oughta be a name for the lull on the peninsula in between the wild and crazy Spring Break and the summertime shebang … perhaps we could call it something like … the annual Slow-tweener. Ok maybe I’ll work on that some more. While things are certainly slower, excitement is building. Could be all about the upcoming event of the season, the perennially fantastic Texas Crab Festival, May 10-12. It’s on Mother’s Day Weekend, making it even more special. Come to think of it, without Mothers there wouldn’t even be a festival. Hi Mom!

Hopes are high that the festivities will escape the dastardly weather of last year that abruptly ended the party with the total buzzkills of thunder, lightning and a thoroughly drenching rain that shut down the event quicker than you can say fat frog drowner.

It was a mess. Tom spent a good bit of time in the following days repairing the ruts left by vehicles leaving the party en masse, while fleeing the storm. As a side note, Tom and Dennis have maintained and mowed the grounds for many years, but are finally getting some relief from our local Eagles, who have taken over the important job of keeping the place pretty. Thanks Eagles!

And great thanks to Roger Creager for giving us Crabbies a rain check and headlining this year’s event again. Color me triple excited to see him perform. Hopefully I get to meet him, seeing that we share the same July 25th birthday … like distant brothers from another mother, you know. Not only that, we both went to school at Tuloso-Midway High, near Corpus. I guess it really is a small world. (But I wouldn’t want to paint it.) All credit to the great weirdo Steven Wright for that joke.

Can’t wait to hear Roger play his zany “Everclear Song” … especially the part about “Beer just makes me fat.” Although I’m starting a new theory that says it doesn’t and that the whole Beer Belly thing is just a clever alliteration made up by future exes sick of football. Not only that, I would submit that beer improves intelligence. Heck, by midnight you’re the smartest guy in the attic.

And who among us can’t relate to “soakin’ them melons good” … or … “grandmas doin’ backflips, grandpas lookin’ up their skirts.” Solid gold lyrics right there I tell ya. But my favorite Roger song has to be “Havin’ Fun All Wrong” a surprisingly upbeat tune about lost love and coping with said loss by using that time-tested therapy of hanging out in the bars with the stars. Having grown up following Jerry Jeff Walker and talkin’ to a barstool, I can totally relate.

As if that ain’t enough, the Bolivar Crabbies will also be entertained off the charts by the King of Zyde-cajun himself, Wayne Toups. Born into a family of rice farmers in Louisiana, he found music early in life and now has more awards than you can swing a mad gator at … kudos like The Louisiana Music Hall of Fame, Gulf Coast Hall of Fame, Cajun French Music Hall of Fame and a Grammy. He’s even performed at the Super Bowl, back in the good old days before it got all silly and woke. He’s the real deal, guaranteed to squeeze his beloved accordion to your heart’s delight. Try to keep your feet still … I dare ya.

Rounding out the scene are the vendors (over 90 of them), bringing out the fun with arts, crafts and delicious eats. Crab and seafood lovers will be in hog heaven (an overused porcine metaphor which makes no sense at all if you think about it, especially in this context).

Other fun acts will include the Galveston Ukulele Society and the Little Comic. Maybe they can get together and have the little guy play the little guitar (ukulele) for us. Talk about fun … that could be more crowd pleasing than a wet midget tossing contest.

But for pleasing crowds, there’s nothing quite like the Crab Races. Kinda takes me back to my foolish college days and especially to this one particular party in Beaumont where I invented the Lizard Races. Truth be told, I only did it to impress the ladies. But the joke was on me. Who could have guessed that girls attracted to reptiles would not be my type.

All silliness aside, the Crabfest is a wonderful way to help and support others in the community. Proceeds and patron donations directly fund youth scholarships and camps, locals schools, volunteer fire departments, many service organizations and outreach initiatives. Helping others while having fun … now that’s what I call a Win/Win!

In addition to those mentioned, there are many more entertainers coming. For the full line-up, go to

Come join us for the one time of the year that it’s cool to be crabby!
~~ J. Lee Austin

“You cannot teach a crab to walk straight.”
~~ Aristophanes.

[JLA: Apr-23-2024]

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